A bully, a turning point and realising I've been an idiot.

On Sunday I realised two things.

1. I've been a coward.

2. I've been really, really stupid.

I'm a coward because for over ten years I've enabled someone to bully me. I didn't fight back because I was scared of what they might do and - ridiculously - what people might think. I thought some of the people who'd previously referred to me as a 'strong woman' would look at me differently.  And I was right about that because someone I call a friend already has.

I'm stupid because as crazy as it sounds I thought that by not fighting back I was protecting my daughters.

The the truth is, it's had the opposite effect. I should have stopped the bullying years ago, but I didn't.

But on Sunday there was a turning point. Something in me changed and instead of keeping my head down and thinking I didn't have the strength to deal with it alone, I confronted my bully and starting fighting back.  It was incredibly scary, but I did it.

And I'm going to continue to fight back. About time too, right?

In Maria's name ~ time to take action

Fact: two women are killed every week by their current or former partner.

Two women. Every single week. 

That statistic sends shivers down my spine.  How can this still be happening in this day and age?

You may have read about this distressing case recently, the case of Maria Stubbings  who was murdered in 2008 by Mark Chivers – a man already known to the police for killing another woman.The details of the case are very distressing, particularly as she had tried to get protection from the police.

~ Marc Chivers killed Maria just 11 months after being released from prison in Germany for killing a previous girlfriend. He was released from prison in January 2008 without any condition and deported to the UK. Essex police were aware of Marc Chivers' previous conviction for domestic murder.

~ In July 2007 Chivers assaulted Maria and was prosecuted and convicted. Before Chivers release from prison, Essex police disabled an alarm in Maria's home. On his release, no conditions were placed on Chivers and no steps were taken by Essex police to provide protection for Maria.

~ A friend of Maria called the police in early December 2007 to express concern about her but the police took no action.

~ On 11th December 2007 Maria called the police to report that Chivers was 'hanging around' her home and had entered it and stolen items from her handbag. The call was logged as urgent but then downgraded. The case was closed after officers visited Maria's home and got her to sign their notebooks saying she didn't want further action taken, despite the fact that they believed Chivers might be present at the time in Maria's home.

~ On 14th December, a domestic violence officer saw the police log and became concerned about Maria. After a series of ineffective visits, officers finally visited on 19th December with specific orders to search the property and arrest Chivers for burglary. Maria's body was found.

Her family are calling on the Home Secretary to launch a public inquiry into the response of the police and other state agencies to women and children who experience domestic violence.

The sad fact is that 1 in 4 women experience domestic violence at some point in their lives. That statistic means that you know someone who has either experienced it or is experiencing it now. 

You can help them by signing an e-petition asking the Home Secretary to open the public inquiry.

Please take a minute - it literally takes just a minute - to sign the petition here.  Every single signature matters and could help women in the future. Let's take some action.

The garden in June ~ plus win a £100 gardening kit!

I've managed to dodge the rain showers this weekend to do a bit of gardening, and along with admiring the flowers already in bloom I've been doing a bit of grafting.

I'm trying bring more colour into the garden so I've been looking around for some decent sized plants that will produce flowers this summer.

There's a small plant nursery local to me where the plants are always very healthy and about half of the price elsewhere.

This Iris 'Shirley Pope' was just £3.99 and is already quite established. I decided to put it next to the David Austin rose  I bought (in the sale section)  a few months back and which has already quadrupled in size.

Tip: take a look in the sales sections in gardening centres for plants that might just need a bit of TLC.

The rose itself has loads of buds on it but I noticed they're all covered in aphids.

I don't like to use a lot of chemicals in the garden so I looked around and bought a plant based bug spray and they've been getting blasted over the past few days.

I'm really looking forward to seeing this rose in flower, it's a new addition to the garden and I love old-fashioned roses with a strong fragrance.

Tip: follow these instructions on how to make your own organic aphid repellent.

The tree that gives most of the dappled shade, which is always very welcome in a south-facing garden, is looking very top heavy. 

I think it's definitely a job for a tree surgeon, but in the meantime I took some of the very low overhanging branches off. 

They were so low they were actually touching some of the flowers in the beds, so I used my loppers to cut off a few at the very bottom.

Tip: buy the best quality tools you can afford, they make jobs like this so much easier.

I love this curved border, and it also has the most colour, but it tends to get a bit overcrowded in the summer.

I decided to thin out some of the acquilegia, which are beautiful but grow like weeds, to make way for something new.

The pink arrow in the photo below points to the new addition to the border, Echinacea purpurea Praire Splendour, which  hopefully will be the same colour as the arrow. The Echinacea was bought from the same local nursery for the same price, £3.99.

Tip:  order starter plants earlier in the year to keep the cost even lower.

I've got quite a good selection of garden tools and most of them were my Dad's. I love using his old weathered spade, and it feels good to be using the tools he used to tend our family garden. It feels right to be carrying on his love of gardening.

Fortunately for me, Dad bought good quality garden tools and looked after them which means they're still in great condition.  I still keep them clean and wipe blades over with a multi-purpose oil after each use. Tip: looking after your garden tools will keep them in good order and prolong their life.

So although I'm pretty well supplied with garden tools, I was very excited when I was contacted by Plant Me Now the UK's fastest growing online garden centre. They very kindly offered to supply one lucky person with £100 worth of gardening equipment as a competition prize.


I was asked to select a gardening kit and here's what I picked out: a good quality stainless steel garden fork and garden spade; a stainless steel hand trowel and hand fork; some essential bypass secateurs; garden shears, and a pair of gardening gloves.  These are the things I use most of all in my garden, so I reckoned it would make a decent kit for someone!

All you have to do to be in with a chance of winning is to leave a comment below with your best summer gardening tip.  It could be about any aspect of gardening, so get thinking and let me know what yours is.

Don't forget to leave either your twitter or email address so I can easily contact you if you win!

The competition is open for entries until 8pm on Monday 24th June 2013.  Good luck!

You can follow Plant Me Now on Twitter, and they have a Facebook page which is great if you have any gardening queries.  

Terms and conditions:  UK entries only. There is no cash alternative and the prize cannot be transferred. I will select the winner from the entries provided and my decision is final. If the winner does not respond with their details within 7 days I reserve the right to select a new winner. The gardening kit will be sent to the winner's home address by Plant Me Now, and they are responsible for fulfilling the prize.  

Disclosure: I have received no payment or payment in kind to run this competition, I'm doing it because it's such a great prize!

How to buy wine and save money with Tesco Wine Co-buys

I don't drink beer or spirits but I do like a glass of wine.  I like two glasses even better, but although I'm not a big drinker I always enjoy choosing a bottle of wine for the weekend.

I always have an upper limit in mind for how much I want to spend on a bottle, so I was very interested to read about this idea from Tesco.  They've set up Tesco Wine Co-buys which is a new way of buying wine. The more people who buy together, the cheaper the price gets and - get this - whoever brings in the most people gets their wine for free. THAT'S FREE WINE! 

This little video explains the whole idea of co-buying:

Just remember that you have to sign-up for alerts, spread the word to friends to encourage more people to buy, and if you can't see any wines you like on the list you can always request a co-buy of your own choice. 

Now excuse me while I go and have a gander at the list of wines currently on offer...

Disclosure: I am a Tesco Wine Brands ambassador

The garden in June ~ how does your garden grow?

This week has seen an explosion of colour in the garden, so I'm taking the lazy route this week and just posting photos of the best blooms this week. Enjoy :)

In order from the top: Foxglove purpurea excelsior; Allium purple sensation; Kousa dogwood; acquilegia; allium aflatuense; tulip; clematis montana rubens; peony.

Oh, and keep an eye on the blog for news of a competition to win gardening equipment! Coming this weekend.

I'm joining in with the weekly gardening linky at Mammasaurus' place, take a look at some of the beautiful gardens on display.

Being a single parent ~ The one where I go on the radio

So yesterday I got an email asking me if I'd like to take part in a discussion on the Radio 5 Live, as you do.

The subject of the discussion was about the lack of male role models in many children's lives and asking "Is a mum enough?"  This is ahead of a report out later this week by the Centre for Social Justice which outlines the extent of family breakdown and the rise of single parents families.

I wanted to make sure that it wasn't going to be a confrontational discussion, and also was curious about who else would be taking part. The producer, Charlotte, told me that it would be a friendly 'adult' discussion and they wouldn't be having anyone like mouth-on-a-stick Katie Hopkins who'd been on the show the previous evening. Phew!  I was told it would be me, a single parent dad called Andy and the show's resident psychotherapist Rachel Morris.   I thought it might be worth a try, and I liked the producer so I agreed to do it.

I prepared a few key points that I wanted to make, as advised by @exmoorjane, and kept the notepad close by in case of panic!

The presenter Stephen Nolan started off by introducing everyone, including someone called Sean and I wondered who he was, but he then corrected himself and I realised he meant me, Jean.

The question "Do children really need a man in their lives?" was posed to Rachel, the psychotherapist, who said she thought they did because otherwise children were raised not understanding the man's role or how to interact with men.

I was asked the same question and my reply was something like "Yes, but a male role model doesn't have to be the father, it could be a family friend, uncle, etc. I think children do need some positive role models of both sexes but not necessarily the father, especially if he is a negative influence."

So far so good, I thought.

Unfortunately, the previous discussion had overrun by several minutes and we ran out of time so I didn't get to say anything else (and neither did Andy, the other single parent).  Naturally, I had other amazingly insightful points to make but they were left on the notepad and never aired.

So, just to finish off what I started saying before I was rudely interrupted by the news and sports bulletin, here they are:

• I would rather my children had no male role model than a bad one;
• there are many gay couples with children who successfully raise children in same-sex households;
• the main priority is that children have positive influences in their lives - whoever they are, male or female - and have opportunities to spend time with people who inspire and support them as well as leading by example;
• I'm dismayed that once again the emphasis is on how single parents (and at the last census, 92% of single parents were female) are somehow failing to bring up children successfully; 
• Where are the support mechanisms for these so-called failing parents? Suzanne Moore wrote about this more eloquently than I ever could when she asked why single parents are vilified rather than given a leg up;
• Why don't the Government and the media ask why absent parents aren't doing more for their children? Why are they not held to account? Why, when these errant parents fail to support their children, are they allowed to get off scot free? ;
• And can we please stop laying the blame at the foot of the parent who is staying with the children and doing the best they can? 

That's what I would have said if I'd have had the chance. What do you think, do all children need men in their lives? 

If you fancy listening to the show yourself, you can listen again for the next 6 days, and the segment in question starts at 1hr 23 minutes in.  And btw, I'm fairly sure I don't sound like that in real life.

Silent Sunday ~ 9/6/13