Monday, 19 January 2009

The Single Life: Part 1

Sometime last week I wrote about some odd dreams I had been having and asked for help in deciphering them. The reasons for the dreams were not too difficult to figure out, but I was struggling to understand why particular men featured in them. Anyhow, amongst the comments Tessa asked if I had thought of dating again and I replied "I had a date 5 years ago and it was a disaster. I haven't bothered since." But that isn't strictly the case. The truth is that dating hasn't bothered with me.

My reply to Tessa's question has been on my mind for the past few days, and I can honestly say that not only have I not been on a date for 5 years but I haven't been asked out on one either. I can't remember the last time I met a man I was interested in, or who was interested in me. I have met men who were friendly, pleasant and occasionally good company - but that's all.

To be honest I was a little unprepared for the suggestion of dating again, because it's something I have relegated to Things I Have Done In The Past. It's not something I do now, and the actual thought of it is slightly unsettling.

My love life has never been the most successful aspect of my life - I'm appallingly bad at picking men, and I don't see that as some sort of 'loveable flaw' it's just a fact that I get it wrong more often than not. My lovely Mum used to half-joking/half-seriously suggest that she should choose my next partner and considering she was happily married to Dad for 53 years I think she would have made a better stab at it than me.

Quite recently I was talking to a friend of mine who asked me whether I felt ready for a new relationship. I remember saying that that part of my life was like having a room in your house that you no longer use. You know it's there, but the door is firmly closed and the fear of what I might find in that room prevents me from going in there again. It's a much safer option to keep going the way I am, which to be honest if fine as it is. Yes, of course it's lonely sometimes but at least I know how to deal with that now.

I think this is a topic I will come back to again because I'm not even clear in my own head about this and it's really quite difficult to make sense of the whole thing. Bear with me. Please!

Picture from here


that girl? said...

I think you'll get your dating groove back at the right time for you. I had a friend who swore blind she would never ever never date again and someone chased her down in the end! In the meantime, enjoy your space, freedom and brilliant blog! Dating (or not) makes for some very good blog discussions I think!

see you there! said...

Relationships take energy, sometimes lots of energy. Right now you have two darling girls that are getting your attention. I don't mean that one kind of relationship replaces the other, more that there has to be space in our lives for something new to enter.

I know what I'm getting at but I didn't say it so well.


Yummy Mummy said...

From what you have said I wonder if the reason that "dating hasn't bothered with you" is because without knowing it you are giving off the vibe of exactly what you have said here, you have simply closed the door to it. It amazing, but people including men can so clearly pick up on these sort of things.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with that and it has probably created a very stable environment for your girls not having men coming in and out of thier lives can be very confusing (I speak from experience.) The reason that I am saying this is that I just don't want you to sit there feeling insecure about yourself for not being "chosen" when there may have been some interested fellas along the way and you may have wither given off that "im not interested vibe" or not been seeing thier signals because you were not looking.

I certainly don't think dating is a necessity, and if you're not ready than you are not ready but some day the girls will be gone (gulp) and I would imagine it would be nice to have someone to share your life with on a daily basis.

Long story long I think maybe if you just take the simple step of opening yourself up to the possible idea of dating and forming more intimate connections that may go a long way. Remember, every pot has a lid (I love that line and use it often.)

Also feel free to completely disregard what I am saying if you think I am way off base.


La Belette Rouge said...

Some part of your psyche may be ready for dating and then there may be another part who isn't. No need to act until both parts have unified.

Jane said...

I think the fact that you are talking (and dreaming ) about it may indicate changes are on the horizon.
I love the analogy of the empty room.

Tawny said...

If you don't want to date, dont. I had K and it was nearly 5 years until I went on a date, even then she came with me and it was with a guy I had known for years. You do things when you want to, not when others feel it is 'about time'.

lunarossa said...

There always a time and a place. And a reason, I think, for everything. Your past history, your current huge responsibilities with your daughters might not let you have any space for "romantic complications". I don't think a woman really NEEDS a man in her life, but it might be nice. What you really need is true friends, male and/or female. The rest will come in its time, if you want to, without stress and any agenda. Be proud of what you have achieved and be serene. Ciao. Antonella

notSupermum said...

Wow, you really are all wonderfully compassionate people. I love that you are all so supportive and encouraging.

You have all made excellent points and observations - yes, it might well be that I am beginning to open up to the idea of meeting someone. But I'm not quite there yet. It's something I have been thinking (and dreaming) about more recently, but the fear of opening that door is still more powerful than the feelings of loneliness.

My girls ARE my consuming passion right now, and they take up all of my energy and time. Perhaps when they're a little older the time will come for something or someone new to come into my life.

Thank you all once again for taking the time to leave such thoughtful and touching messages. It really does mean a lot to me.

Ladybird World Mother said...

You'll know when you're ready. In the meantime enjoy those girls of yours. You've got such nice comments here. Arent bloggers just so damned nice!

Kayleigh said...

Very deep stuff, great post!

I actually don't think a man is ever necessary to the happiness of a woman, or the other way around (or any way 'round, for that matter, lol!)

I think love & companionship are human needs, to varying degrees depending on the individual personallity. So if you really don't want a "romantic" relationship and if your life is as full of love and companionship thru friends and family as you need, then you are emotionally solid.

On the other hand I think there could be a problem if on some level you did already want a relationship but were not pursuing the potential of one purely because of fear. I think that might cause regret someday. I know my biggest regrets in life are the things I didn't do because I let fear get in my way.

Does that make sense?

notSupermum said...

LWM - thanks, and yeah - bloggers are just the best aren't they?!

Kayleigh, I know exactly what you mean. My life is pretty full, but there are definite times when it would be good to have someone there just for me.

I do sometimes wonder if I'll ever get so used to being on my own that the fear will prevent me from looking for a relationship. It's much safer to stay with the status quo isn't it?