Sometime last week I wrote about some odd dreams I had been having and asked for help in deciphering them. The reasons for the dreams were not too difficult to figure out, but I was struggling to understand why particular men featured in them. Anyhow, amongst the comments Tessa asked if I had thought of dating again and I replied "I had a date 5 years ago and it was a disaster. I haven't bothered since." But that isn't strictly the case. The truth is that dating hasn't bothered with me.
My reply to Tessa's question has been on my mind for the past few days, and I can honestly say that not only have I not been on a date for 5 years but I haven't been asked out on one either. I can't remember the last time I met a man I was interested in, or who was interested in me. I have met men who were friendly, pleasant and occasionally good company - but that's all.
To be honest I was a little unprepared for the suggestion of dating again, because it's something I have relegated to Things I Have Done In The Past. It's not something I do now, and the actual thought of it is slightly unsettling.
My love life has never been the most successful aspect of my life - I'm appallingly bad at picking men, and I don't see that as some sort of 'loveable flaw' it's just a fact that I get it wrong more often than not. My lovely Mum used to half-joking/half-seriously suggest that she should choose my next partner and considering she was happily married to Dad for 53 years I think she would have made a better stab at it than me.
Quite recently I was talking to a friend of mine who asked me whether I felt ready for a new relationship. I remember saying that that part of my life was like having a room in your house that you no longer use. You know it's there, but the door is firmly closed and the fear of what I might find in that room prevents me from going in there again. It's a much safer option to keep going the way I am, which to be honest if fine as it is. Yes, of course it's lonely sometimes but at least I know how to deal with that now.
I think this is a topic I will come back to again because I'm not even clear in my own head about this and it's really quite difficult to make sense of the whole thing. Bear with me. Please!
Picture from here