Please use the allowance I give you each month to buy your own toiletries. You keep using my shampoo, deodorant, shaving cream and razors and then denying it even though the evidence is usually found in your bedroom. If you buy your own it will save me from having to hide my toiletries around my bedroom to deter your light-fingeredness. And yes, that's a real word *ahem*.
Your hairy, unkempt Mum x
Yes I think you are very cute but even I don't want to hear you howling in the middle of the night just because you want a doggy treat. Nor do I want to open the living room door for you at 4am, just so you can go and curl up in your favourite armchair. Just stop it.
Your very tired Mum
thank you for calling to let me know you are being made redundant next month. As pleased as I am to hear that you are looking for a new job, you don't need to call me nearly every day to update me on your progress. Just let me know when you've got a new job. Oh, and keep sending the cheques.
Dear Chris Evans,
I don't like your radio show. I've tried, believe me, but I just can't get past your juvenile, self-indulgent witterings and I can only stand 2 or 3 minutes of it before reaching for the off button.
From someone who misses the easy-going chat and music of Wogan
Please stop sending me texts and emails asking me to do little jobs for you and then asking why I haven't done them within 30 minutes. I know you spend most of the year away at sea, but I have children, a busy job and a home to run and I don't remember agreeing to be your personal PA. I'll do them when I can, but you're not always at the top of my list.
Your exhausted older Sister