Tuesday, 1 February 2011

Remembering the unhappy times

Tomorrow, 2nd February, will mark 15 years since I got married. Last month marked 8 years since my husband and I separated and I became a single parent. Next month it will be four years since my lovely Mum died, and then in April it'll be the first anniversary of my dear old Dad's death.

The Teenager asked me why do I still remember my unhappy anniversary as well the date her Dad left, but it's not something I go out of my way to remember - it's just there, always haunting me. Reminding me of what once was, and what could have been.

The loss of my parents is still fresh, still raw with the repercussions still not fully played out. Losing my Mum was the greatest loss of my life and I miss her every single day. Every single lonely day. And Dad's death marked the end of an era. Our family - never particularly close - has become more fragmented than ever before.

I feel guilty for saying this but as much as I want to (and will) pay respect to my parents and remember them at these times, I feel that my life is punctuated by this sort of bittersweet anniversary. A failed marriage, the loss of my parents, the amount of time I've been a single parent. Permanent reminders of these less than happy times.

I'm feeling a bit maudlin and I know that this too will pass, as the saying goes, but it does get tiring of always looking back.  Have I become so used to doing it that I'm unable to look forward anymore? It's hard to break a habit, but I think I need to try with this one.  How can I learn to look forward to the future? I might need a bit of help with that.