Saturday, 18 June 2011

A change is gonna come

I've a lot of stuff on my mind. A lot of stuff. Important stuff, or important to me at any rate.

For the past few weeks my head has been full of...what? Issues. Problems that need tackling. Things that I need to be doing...should be doing. Ideas, germs of something new.

It feels like I'm at the beginning of something, although don't ask me what the something is because I don't know. I only have a vague idea of a process that I need to go through, a process of changes and self analysis. Reading that back to myself it sounds a bit pretentious and psychobabbley (if that's not a word then it should be) but it's the best I can do. Bear with me.

The thing is that my life at the moment is fine. Fine. I'm happy at work, my two daughters are both healthy and doing well at school and I have a comfortable home. I'm also relatively healthy if you discount the falling over and the bad back. Of course there are also things that I'd like to change, things like the loneliness, lack of direction, to need to get some something resembling a social life and perhaps even do a bit of travelling. Who knows.

Anyway, trying to explain what is going through my head at the moment is difficult, because every time I attempt to write it all down the conflicting issues keep shouting out their names and I lose the thread. It's like one of those dreams that you have where you can see it all unfolding before you but as soon as you open your mouth to describe it the words don't come.

In its most basic form I can only describe the process as an opening. An opening to...something. It's like I'm on the verge of a significant change. I know that's totally vague, but it's all I've got.

I'm sure it's no coincidence that I bought a copy of Eat Pray Love in a charity shop last week (65p and it's brand new!) I started reading it yesterday and I'm gripped by it. It feels like exactly the right book to be reading right now, a book about a woman who goes on a physical and emotional journey of self-realisation. And today when I got bored of using a scrappy piece of paper as a bookmark I looked in my desk drawer for a proper one, and I found one with this quote on it:

All things are difficult before they are easy ~ Thomas Fuller

Could it be any more appropriate? Watch this space.