I have a big mouth. Not literally physically big - I can't get my fist into my mouth or eat a whole pork pie in one mouthful. No, nothing like that.
I just tend to say the wrong things at the wrong time. Sort of like a mild form of Tourette's. No really, I'm not joking.
It's something that's plagued me my whole life. I can be chatting nicely with someone and then - whoa! - I say something that comes out completely the wrong way. In my head it sounds like an okay thing to say, but as soon as it leaves my lips I realise my social faux pas.
I think one of the problems is that I'm rubbish at small talk, just can't seem to master it, and I'm also socially awkward. I'm the sort of person who avoids parties because I go from one extreme to the other, either totally unable to make conversation or talking in a very loud voice about something totally innapropriate.
Take yesterday for instance. Early morning, it's windy, I'm walking the dog. Another dog walker exchanges pleasantries "Morning, it's windy today isn't it?".
Then these words come out of my mouth: "Yes it is, mind your wig doesn't fly off!" And yes, he was as bald as a coot.
And it gets worse. In the staff room at work colleagues are planning a night out. One person says another person isn't that keen to go. In my head I'm thinking "Maybe it's because they're very quiet and might not be into late nights out and heavy drinking". Unfortunately the words that come out of my mouth are: "Maybe he doesn't want to go out with a load of drunken p*issheads."
I wish I could tell you it ended there but I'd be lying.
After work I went to the hairdressers. I explain to the stylist - a lovely woman who I've known for years - that because my hair is so thick I need my fringe thinning out. I try to think of a nice way to say it's not quite as I wanted it but she can't hear me over the noise of the radio, people chatting and hairdryers. I raise my voice to shout over the noise, but just as the radio goes quiet and the hairdryers stop I hear myself shouting "I DON'T LIKE THE WAY YOU'VE DONE IT!"
The stylist looked crestfallen, the rest of the customers stared at me. Cue red face, much back tracking on my behalf and mumbled apologies. Needless to say I left a big tip.
So, today I will be spending the day in silence. I think it's for the best.