Monday, 12 August 2013

What time does the 2 o'clock tour leave? And other daft questions asked on cruise ships

My brother worked for many years as an IT engineer on cruise ships, and often used to tell us stories about the daft questions passengers would ask the crew. Here's a very small selection of them.

Are there beaches in the Bahamas?

Is the island surrounded by water?

What side of the ship will the sun rise on?

What do you do with the ice carvings after they've melted?

Do you have to get dressed up for formal night?

Does the ship generate its own electricity?

What time does the 2 o'clock tour leave?

Is the water in the pool rough because it's sea-water?

Will I get wet when I go snorkelling?

Do we have to go to the compulsory lifeboat drill?

Do they play music in the disco?

Do you grow your own food on board?

Do the crew live on board while we're at sea?

Guest: When we cross the international date line we lose a day, correct?
Reception: That’s correct we go from 25th to 27th of Jan.
Guest: Do we get any kind of refund or credit as we lost a day of our cruise?
Guest: What’s the phone number for New Zealand?
Reception: The dialling code is +64
Guest: Huh, no, I mean the phone number for New Zealand....Oh forget it!
Guest:  Hello, could someone come to my cabin to show me how to work the microwave please?
Reception: I'm sorry Madam, but there isn't a microwave in your cabin.
Guest: Yes there is, it's in the cupboard..
Reception: Ah, I see...I think that is your valuables safe.
Guest: Will the ship's radar tell us when the rain is going to stop?
Reception: No madam.
Guest: You mean you don't have radar on the ship?
Guest: How do I get my free Platinum Internet?
Reception: I looked on the system sir and you are not yet a platinum member. To get free internet you have to have travelled with {name of cruise line} for 21 days and then you get Platinum status.
Guest: Well here is my 'Platinum' American Express card, I am a member.
Reception: Er... sir this is not the same thing, you have to be a {cruise line} Platinum member.
Guest: But I have a Platinum card from American Express
Reception: I'm sorry sir it's not the same
Guest: If you don't give me it, I'm warning you, I'm going to contact American Express!
At 1:30am
Guest: I want the captain and Hotel Director woken at once
Reception: What seems to be the problem?
Guest: A bottle of very expensive champagne was stolen from my cabin, it’s probably in some crew party somewhere
Reception: Sir have you looked in your fridge, your cabin steward probably put in there to keep it chilled?
Guest: (pause) Ah... yes it’s there... can I have some wine glasses sent up so I can drink it?
Mr Cheap: Do we have to pay gratuities for the service on board?
Reception: No sir it’s all included in the price of the cruise
Mr Cheap: Well I’m not eating in the dining room, so can I have a refund for the dining room gratuities? 
After a time change on board the ship, a guest stands at the reception desk looking at the clock and asks: “What time is it in the real world now?”
Mrs Nervous: What just happened, the lights in my cabin went off?
Reception: Sorry madam, we just lost power for a moment, it will be back soon
Mrs Nervous: Are you sure we didn’t hit an iceberg? 
Mrs Smith: I’d like to send these postcards to the US
Reception: Madam you have American stamps on there, they wont accept them in Turkey, you need Turkish stamps
Mr Smith: Why, the postcards are going to the US?
Passenger: I would like a refund for the tour we booked
Reception: Oh I'm sorry, was there a problem?
Passenger: Well we booked the walking tour of Ibiza town but we were told there would be a coach provided and there wasn't, so we had to walk!
Reception: Sir, it was a ‘walking’ tour, there was no coach.
A guest couple complained because they had been ‘UPGRADED’ from a normal suite to a ‘PENTHOUSE’ suite without their consent. They were given $100 each for their trouble and offered their original suite, surprisingly they never moved back. 
And finally, my personal favourite:

Guest: I would like to complain about my cabin. I specifically said I wanted a window so I could look at the sea, but all I can see is a car park!
Reception: Yes madam, that's because we're still in dock.