Last week I wrote a blog post about being depressed. Cheery stuff. But here's the thing, after a few days of worrying about the blog post (yes, worrying) - about whether it was the sort of thing people (you?) wanted to read I reverted it back to a draft post. In other words, I hid it.
Why did I do that?
Because I'd forgotten why I set this blog up. I set it up so I could rant/write about things that were bothering me or making me happy.
I'd forgotten that the best way to write is to pretend that nobody is reading. Nobody.
You know that cheesy expression about dancing like nobody's watching, etc etc? Yeah, well I need to blog like nobody's reading.
People who know me, people who meet me, often describe me as 'a strong person' and I dare say it's meant as a compliment. Well, no I'm not strong actually, it's just that some people just have to get on with things without saying much about why it's hurting. About how lonely they are, or how they desperately need support, or even just a hug. Because sometimes 'being strong' is no longer an option.
Truth is, I've been struggling over the past couple of months. Struggling to keep things on an even keel, and by 'things' I mean me. I'm not feeling great, there I've said it. I'm unhappy - for several reasons - and instead of grinning and bearing it like I usually try to do, I've been unable to hide it. I've talked to my girls about it, and they've been great, very supportive, but y'know they're still kids and they shouldn't have to support me it should be the other way 'round.
Days spent on the verge of tears, feeling confused, being exhausted, and worrying about anything and everything but unable to make any decent decisions are all part of the symptoms. It's pretty crap to be honest. In fact - and I'm not big on swearing - I'd go as far to say that life is pretty shite right now.
@notSupermum You ALWAYS needs to remember WHY YOU BLOG. The End. @IAmWitWitWoo
— Jay (@cosmicgirlie) September 5, 2013
After reading a blog post by the fabulous Kate and having a twitter conversation about oversharing I decided that I needed to do something I should have done ages ago. I'm taking this blog back to basics. Ground zero. I'm going to blog the way I used to (when it never occurred to me that anyone would want to read it): without an audience in mind.
Sorry, I love you and all that, but I'm going to have to pretend you're not reading my ramblings and just get on with it. I need it, because blogging is the cheapest form of therapy available. And right now, that's what's needed.